Feminist Misogynist -v- Women Drivers

Hang on to your hats, this could be a bumpy ride.

Before we start, I'd better just make it clear that I am a woman and a driver. I do not hate myself, nor do I hate competent women drivers, of which there are many. But without sweeping generalisations my rant wouldn't have the same impact so here goes...

Why do you feel it necessary to embellish your car in a manner which actually turns it into something other than a mode of transport? Why has your car got eyelashes? Why is there a plastic flower in a little vase hanging out of your dashboard? Why are there cuddly toys obscuring your view out of the rear screen? Why are there pink fluffy cushions on the backseat preventing passengers from using it? Why is there a small shoe hanging from your rear view mirror distracting you from applying your mascara? And why, why, WHY is your car PINK? Are you Barbie? Is your head full of fluffy bunnies and cupcakes? Are you mental? This is a CAR, it's a ton and a half of metal capable of being propelled along the road at in excess of 100mph (if you can get your Ugg boot out from under the accelerator pedal where it's been wedged for the last 3 miles). IT IS NOT YOUR HOUSE, YOU DO NOT DECORATE IT AND MAKE IT FEEL HOMELY. Get a grip.

But, having made your car all homely, why do you then proceed to treat it like a litter bin? Having put a gorgeous outfit on for an evening out, when you pick me up I do not want to wade through 6 inches of detritus in the footwell, I should not be in fear of the myriad stains on your passenger seat, I should not exit the car with a half-eaten child's lollipop stuck to my arse. Is your house like that? (*makes mental note to decline offer of a coffee later in the week)

All of this becomes even more terrifying in light of the latest trend in 'must have' cars for women. It was bad enough when women restricted themselves to 'cute' cars like Micras, Corsas, Fiestas and convertible 307s. Now you have a Barbie-obsessed airhead who thinks her car is a boudoir on wheels hustling the streets in 2 and a half tons of Teutonic 4x4. You live in a 3 bedroomed semi-detached in suburbia. You have to drive 10 miles to find the nearest farm track. Tesco's car-park is as close to 'off-road' as you'll ever get. And yet you've just GOT to have a BMW X5, an Audi Q5 or a Mercedes ML220 or you're NO-ONE. What would the other school-run Mums think if you turned up in a mere BMW 3-series? It'd be social suicide. That grip I mentioned earlier - really; Get it.

Ah, you're thinking, she missed out stickers from that rant. Well they are accorded a whole paragraph of their own. Your car is not 'Mum's Taxi' as you do not have the appropriate hackney carriage licence from your local authority and do not charge your offspring for their lifts to dance class. There is not a 'Babe on Board' - you are 43, overweight with a bad bleach job and you are wearing a velour tracksuit - the word 'babe' has not applied to you for quarter of a century, if ever. If there is in fact a 'Baby on Board', what the hell do you want me to do about it? Should I drive differently because you have reproduced? Or perhaps you want me to make allowances for your bad driving because you've managed to pop one out? Did they do a quick lobotomy while you were in labour in the clear knowledge that no one would ever notice? Do you want a medal? Are your Child Benefit payments and Tax Credits not enough? And finally, YOUR CAR IS NOT POWERED BY FUCKING FAIRY DUST although if that were possible it'd probably be a damn sight cheaper than a litre of unleaded.

I'm feeling better already for having got that lot off my chest.

And now we move on to the sins of the female driver whilst the car is actually in motion.

Things you should not do whilst driving:-

• Apply make-up or do your hair.
• Look at your passengers whilst talking to them - look at the bloody road you airhead.
• Talk on your mobile phone.
• Send and read text messages.
• Wave your arms in the air whilst singing along to your fave music - the steering wheel is there for a reason.
• Bimble along the motorway in the middle lane at 60mph thinking you're being 'safe' when in actual fact you're being a dangerous obstruction.
• Argue with Sat-Nav Lady (Sat-Nav Lady always knows best, especially when she tells you to drive your pink Nissan Micra into a reservoir).
• Pull out in front of me at a junction and then not get a bloody move on, especially when there's not another car in sight behind me for 3 miles.
• Drive at 45mph regardless of the actual speed limit.
• Park on the zig-zag lines outside school because you'll only be there for 5 minutes and little Amber-Jade can't possibly walk an extra 10 feet to get into the car for the 400 yard journey home.
• Wait for a gap the size of the Ark Royal before pulling out at a roundabout or junction.
• Stop at the bottom of a motorway slip road.
• Drive on the motorway at all
• Drive when I am on the road in your area - just keep the hell away from me.

When another motorist does something stupid and makes me cross, nine times out of ten it's a woman driver. This makes me doubly cross because I know that most men think that ALL women drivers are as bad, which means that they think that I am the same. And it reinforces the old stereotype - "Oh dear, women drivers, eh? Terrible!". I hate being stereotyped. I hate people making the assumption that because I'm female I'm a bad driver. I've done trackdays in various sports cars, had tuition from CAT Driver Training, driven Porsches around Silverstone, kept up with the boys across the Mountain Circuit on the Isle of Man, driven the Monaco Grand Prix circuit. I used to ride motorbikes and be amused when I took my 'lid' off and heard the gasps of the blokes when they realised I was a WOMAN and had the temerity not to be perched on the pillion seat. Now I'm offended when I step out of a sports car in the pit lane and get the same gasps. We're supposed to have moved on, we're supposed to be striving for equality, a woman's place is no longer necessarily in the home, we're in boardrooms, up mountains, winning Olympic medals, running football clubs, topping the rich lists - but put us behind the wheel and "Ooh, woman driver, watch out! Ha ha ha!" Ha. Ha. Ha. Do I look like I'm laughing?

Ladies, you are doing the female sex no favours with your automotive antics. So please, get rid of the tat, concentrate on the job in hand (that's DRIVING, just to be clear), treat driving a car with the respect and gravitas it deserves and then, who knows, not only will you get better at it but you might actually enjoy driving rather than seeing it as a means of getting from A to B. And I might be able to enjoy driving without the fear of you piling your X5 into the back of me at the traffic lights because you're too busy dancing to One Direction, talking to your mate Mandy on the phone, changing little Tyler's nappy, plumping your cushions and wiping the McFlurry stains off your velour tracksuit to have noticed that the lights have changed to red (or Scouse Amber as we call it around here).

Raise your game, girls. if we want equality we have to prove that we are in fact EQUAL and that means 'just as good', not 'almost as good but please make allowances because I have breasts'.

Feminist Misogynist -v- Women Drivers.